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T's WIDE Ween (Fe ypyrunicd ta the U.S. Supreme Coun, tells you how to write dirty One of the most time-consum- ing tasks a Supreme Court justice performs is reading through mounds of pomographic material, to determine if it is protected by the First Amendment right to freedom of speech. The Court has ruled that such material is protected only if it possesses “redeeming social value.” What is “redeeming social value”? To me, it is something that puts “lead” in your “pencil.” Pops a “bone of contention” in your “legal briefs.” In other words, something that makes your pecker stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance. Of course, it takes some hot and steamy writing to get a rise out of a few of those old droopy drawers on the Supreme Court. But don’t despair; just follow my simple Marshali Plan for How to Write Dirty. Soon, you'll be able to crank out pomography that a judge will want to review in his chambers time and again. That judge is me. Keep the reader in mind How would you like to read a book entitled A Man Called Homo or My Girl Friend Flicka? Well, I've read them, and they're terrible. Seems too many pornographers these days write stories that appeal only to homos, horses, or other degenerates. They have forgotten that the typical reader of dirty books is a normal, heterosexual, black, elderly Supreme Court justice. To write dirty well, pick copics your audience will be interested in, like fellatio, blow jobs, and white women. Especially white women. They're my favorite. Oh, yeah. Write what you know A man once wrote a book entitled I Was a Hooker on the Moon. lt did not have the ring of authenticity, and sold few copies. “You should write about what you know,” I advised this aspiring author, who just happened to be Justice Felix Frankfurter. His next book, Suck My Wiener, was on Thurgood Marshall's Best-seller Lise for a full five months. So write about subjects you are familiar with. If you are a mailman, write sexy stories about delivering the mail. If you are a homo, write stories about what your straight friends do. If you are a white woman, write to me. Here is my address: Thurgood Marshall, Supreme Court Building, Washington, D.C. To illustrate the principle of writing what you know, | have composed the following example. It is based ona true incident— only the names have been chaneed slightly: Handsome Thurgood X. was sitting in his chambers one day, ' reading A Man Called Homo. Suddenly, he was Marshal Thurgood Marshall declares Marshall law om those sidewendin’ polecais who une bemng pommugmuphy. interrupted by Sandra Day O., a distinzuished white woman. “You certainly look foxy in your big, black robes,” Sandra purred. “I've got something even bigger and blacker undemeath,” replied Thurgood, Thurgood had always had a way with women—you could say he was a sort of Afro-disiac. Soon the two were lying on the bench, Thurgood preparing to enter Sandra's privaie chambers. “Here come da judge,” he shouted, as his groin gavel banged away. Finally, they finished, furiously collapsing in the sweat of their ecstasy. “That was sure good, Thurgood,” Sandra cooed. “Oh, yeah,” he replied. Don't be afraid to exaggerate In my 200 years on the bench, | have handed down judgments so brilliant chat che Statue of Justice once came co life, ran off her pedestal, and gave me a big wet kiss on the lips. Of course, most of this story is not true, but is actually a subrle use of the principle of exaggeration. Clever exaggeration can prove quite useful in © pormographic stories, as well. It can turn a dull novel like Moby-Dick into the porn classic Moby Huge Dick. Observe how exaggerating the truth makes the following story a million times : more interesting: 4 sitting in the sg New York 4 State Bar ard Grill, finishing his twentieth bortle of champagne. He had just returned from Washington, flushed with his victory in the WIDE WOOF 1 PHOTOS “MOVE STILL ARCHIVES