◆ SpookStack

z 2 i rs a : Gah 2, olla bith ills Ok bh alae tah ae i Ae Rola tek hails Clie tk ee ea | aah: hai aie Bie O Rial ARR aS ated iad blll ib hed bod EES Aetna tna nant else ate nes pee meee - eet cee wee | tee ee meet Dr. Cantor examines Uncle Sam (Eddie Cantor's radio sketch for which Chase & Sanborn have had the greatest number of requests.) EDDIE CANTOR, D.D. (Depression Doctor) was sitting in his office on the Chase and Sanborn Hour one Sunday night, when a knock was heard outside the door and a weak voice asked, ‘Where's a doc?” : “Right here, my friend,” said Eddie. “Sit down in that chair, open up your collar and say ‘aaah’.” “Me no can say.” “Well why can’t you say ‘aaah’?” * “Sorry, doc, me no speaka English? “Well then, say ‘aaah’ in your own language.” “Booh.” : “Good. Now say ‘booh’ in your language.” “Aaah.” “That’s it. Let’s have a look. Your tonsils are very low. You should wear arch supports.” “You think I'm gonna live, doc?” “Well, your chances are 9 to 1,” replied Eddie. And sure enough it was right on the dortor’s card. - Dr. Cantor—9 to 1. : _ “There is another patient cutside,” said Jinmy Wallington, who had been watching the proceedings with interest. “Come in my good man,” said Dr. Cantor. In strode a tall benevolent man, with red striped trousers, white chin whiskers and a high blue hat with white stars. “Don’t you know me?” he said. “I’m Uncle Sam.” : Eddie looked at him a moment and shook his head. “Yes, you are my Uncle Sam all right, but yoo have changed. You look very thin. Have you done any eating lately .. . you know, food?” 4 Uncle Sam sadly shook his head. “You see, Eddie, T have a lot of nephews and nieces out of work...” “T understand,” said Eddie, “you don’t like to sponge on them. I’m going to ask you a few ques- tions, Uncle Sam. When were you born?” “On July 4, 1776.” “That makes you a hundred and fifty-five years old. Why, you’re just a kid, Uncle. You are suffer- ing from growing pains, that’s all.” “Maybe,” said Uncle Sam weakly, “but I feel terrible.” “Don’t be foolish, Uncle Sam, I have been sickey than you myself.” Eddie was rapidly unbuttoning “his coat and vest.~“‘Look*Uncle, did I ever show you Copyright, 1932, by Standard Brands Inc. my operation? Oooh, was I sick. And look at me now. Don’t worry, you will feel better soon. You have had these attacks before. Remember—1907 . 1893?” “Yes, but this is the worst one yet.” “No, no, no,” said Eddie. “That’s what you say every time. Why, compared to that internal trouble you had in 1865 which nearly upset your whole sys- - tem, you haven’t even got a bad cold now. Your blood pressure is a little too low and your tempera- ture is below normal but everything will go up soon; the worst is over, Uncle Sam.” The kindly old man shook his head. “That may be,” he moaned, “but I never felt worse.” Eddie smiled and patted him on the back. “Let me tell you something, Uncle Sam. The time you were really sick was late in 1928 and during '29. That’s when you thought you were feeling fine but you were really running a high fever. You were suffering from enlargement of the spendiorum, specu- lationitis, and inflationary rheumatism. And you didn’t even know it. It looks to me, Uncle Samyas if you spent 1929 under the influenc: of intox‘zating ideas. You got a drink of that Wall Street cocktail . you went up like a rocket and came down like a stick,” “Wall Street cocktail ?” — “Sure—one drink and you get a seat on the curb with your feet in the gutter. That’s what was wrong with you in 1929. But you didn’t get a headache suntil 1931.” : “How do you explain that, Eddie?" ; “That’s simple. In 1929 you went on a spree, in 1930 you had to be put to bed and 1931 was the morning after the year before. But now, do what I tell you. Keep cheerful. Get out of the shadows and into the sunshine. Face the sun and the shadows will fall behind you. If you think you’ are in the soup, get acquainted with the people who would thank God if they could get a bow] of soup into-hem. You've got plenty of assets, Uncle Sam. You’ ve got a coun- try with 350 billion dollars ... you’ve got mountains full of gold and silver and any time you need a little pocket money, just go over and break off a piece of mountain. You've got the biggest factory in the - - world for building happy homes .. . Niagafa Falls. But the place I want you to visit especially is the ‘Grand Canyon ... the biggest, deepest, widest place to drop all your troubles and start off fresh for 1932-” Seemann me eee rg tr oar Ea tepeenmr nett er ee eee eS 200 OTE nen ree EN Tee a rms near ener = Printed U.S A.